Juvenal, Satire 2
Translated by Lewis Evans (1889)
Formatted and with notes by C. Chinn (2007)

	I LONG to escape from hence beyond the Sarmatians,1 and the 
	frozen sea, whenever those fellows who pretend to be Curii2 
	and live like Bacchanals3 presume to read a lecture on morality. 
	First of all, they are utterly unlearned, though you may find all their quarters 
5	full of busts of Chrysippus.4 For the most finished scholar among them 
	is he that has bought an image of Aristotle or Pittacus,5 
	or bids his shelves retain originals of Cleanthes.6 There is no trusting 
	to the outside! For what street is there that does not overflow with debauchees 
	of demure exterior? Dost thou reprove abominations, that art thyself 
10	the most notorious sink among catamites7 who pretend to follow Socrates? 
	Thy rough limbs indeed, and the stiff bristles on thy arms, 
	seem to promise a vigorous mind within; but on thy smooth behind, 
	the surgeon with a smile lances the swelling piles. 
	These fellows affect a paucity of words, and a wonderful taciturnity, 
15	and the fashion of cutting their hair shorter than their eyebrows. There is 
	therefore more frankness and sincerity in Peribomius;8 the man that by his very look 
	and gait makes no secret of his depravity, I look upon as the victim of destiny. 
	The plain-dealing of the latter class excites our pity; their very madness 
	pleads for our forgiveness. Far worse are they who in Hercules’ vein 
20	practice similar atrocities,9 and preaching up virtue, perpetrate 
	the foulest vice. “Shall I feel any dread for thee, Sextus,10 unnatural thyself?” 
	says the infamous Varillus.11 “How am I worse than thou? 
	Let the straight-limbed, if you please, mock the bandy-legged; the fair European 
	sneer at the Ethiop. But who could tolerate the Gracchi if they railed at sedition?12 
25	Who would not confound heaven with earth, and sea with sky, 
	if a thief were odious to Verres,13 or a murderer to Milo?14 
	If Clodius were to impeach adulterers,15 or Catiline Cethegus?16 
	If Sulla’s three pupils were to declaim against Sulla’s proscriptions?”17 
	Such was the case of the adulterer recently defiled by incest, such as might 
30	be found in Greek tragedy, who then set himself to revive those bitter laws 
	which all might tremble at, ay, even Venus and Mars, 
	at the same time that Julia was relieving her fruitful womb by so many 
	abortives, and gave birth to shapeless masses, the image of her uncle!18 
	Might not then, with all reason and justice, even the very worst of vices look 
35	with contempt on these counterfeit Scauri,19 and if censured turn and bite again? 
	
	Lauronia20 could not endure some fierce reformer of this class 
	so often exclaiming, “Where is now the Julian law?21 is it slumbering?” 
	and thus silenced him with a sneer: “Blest days indeed! that set thee up 
	as a censor of morals! Rome now must needs retrieve her honor! 
40	A third Cato has dropped from the clouds.22 But tell me, pray, 
	where do you buy these perfumes that exhale from your neck, 
	all hairy though it be! Do not be ashamed to tell the shopman’s name. 
	But if old laws and statutes are to be raked up, before all others 
	the Scatinian ought to be revived.23 First scrutinize and look into 
45	the conduct of the men. They commit the greater atrocities; but it is 
	their number protects them, and their phalanxes close serried with their shields. 
	There is a wonderful unanimity among these effeminates. You will 
	not find one single instance of such execrable conduct in our sex. 
	Tedia does not caress Cluvia, nor Flora Catulla.24 
50	Hispo acts both-sex’s parts, and is pale with two-handed lust.25 
	Do we ever plead causes? Do we study civil law? or disturb 
	your courts with any clamor of our tongues? A few of us 
	perhaps may wrestle, or diet themselves on the trainer’s food; 
	but only a few. You men, you spin wool, and carry home in women’s baskets 
55	your finished tasks. You men twist the spindle big with its 
	fine-drawn thread more deftly than Penelope, more nimbly than Arachne;26 
	work, such as the dirty drab does that sits crouching on her log. 
	Every one knows why Hister at his death made his freedman his 
	sole heir, while, when alive, he gave his maiden wife so many presents.27 
60	She will be rich without a doubt, who will submit to lie third in the wide bed. 
	Get married then, and hold your tongue, and earrings will be the guerdon 
	of your silence! And after all this, forsooth, a heavy sentence is to be passed 
	on us women! Censure acquits the raven, but falls foul of the dove!”28 
	
	From this rebuke so true and undeniable, the counterfeit Stoics recoiled 
65	in confusion, For what grain of untruth was there in Lauronia’s words? 
	Yet, what will not others do, when thou, Creticus,29 adoptest muslin robes,30 
	and to the amazement of the people, inveighest in such a dress against 
	Procula or Pollinea? Fabulla, thou sayest, is an adulteress. Then let her be 
	condemned, if you will have it so, and Carfinia also.31 Yet though condemned, 
70	she would not put on such a dress as that. But it is July, it is raging hot, 
	I am on fire!” Then plead stark naked! To be thought mad would be a less 
	disgrace! Is that a dress to propound laws and statutes in, 
	in the ears of the people when flushed with victory, with their 
	wounds yet green, or that noble race, fresh from their plows?32 
75	What an outcry would you make, if you saw such a dress on the person 
	of a judge! I ask, would such a robe be suitable even in a witness? 
	Creticus! the implacable, the indomitable, the champion of liberty, 
	is transparent! Contagion has caused this plague-spot, 
	and will extend it to many more, just as a whole flock perishes in the fields 
80	from the scab of one sheep, or pigs from mange, and the grape 
	contracts the taint from the grape it comes in contact with. 
	Ere long you will venture on something more disgraceful even than this dress. 
	No one ever reached the climax of vice at one step. You will by degrees 
	enter the band of those who wear at home long fillets round 
85	their brows, and cover their necks with jewels, 
	and propitiate Bona Dea33 with the belly of a young sow 
	and a huge bowl of wine; but by an inversion of the old 
	custom women, kept far aloof, dare not cross the threshold. 
	The altar of the goddess is accessible to males alone.34 “Withdraw, profane 
90	females!” is the cry. “No minstrel here may make her cornet sound!” 
	Such were the orgies by the secret torch-light which the Bapta 
	celebrated, who used to weary out even the Athenian Cotytto.35 
	One with needle held oblique adds length to his eyebrows 
	touched with moistened soot, and raising the lids paints 
95	his quivering eyes. Another drains a Priapus-shaped glass,36 
	and confines his long thick hair with a caul of gold thread, 
	clothed in sky-blue checks, or close-piled yellow stuffs; 
	while his attendant also swears by Juno,37 the patron deity of his master. 
	Another holds a mirror, the weapon wielded by the pathic Otho,38 
100	“the spoil of Auruncan Actor,”39 in which he surveyed himself 
	when fully armed, before he gave the signal to engage--
	a thing worthy to be recorded in the latest annals and history 
	of the day. A mirror! fit baggage for a civil war! 
	O yes, forsooth! to kill old Galba40 shows the consummate general, 
105	to pamper one’s complexion is the consistent occupation of the first citizen 
	of Rome; to aspire to the empire as the prize on Bebriacum’s plains,41 
	and then spread over his face a poultice applied with his fingers! 
	Such an act as neither the quivered Semiramis42 perpetrated in the 
	Assyrian realms, or Cleopatra flying dejected in her Actian galley.43 
110	Among this crew there is neither decency 
	of language, nor respect for the proprieties of the table. 
	Here is the foul license that Cybele enjoins, the lisping 
	speech, the aged priest with hoary hair, like one possessed, 
	a prodigy of boundless appetite, open to hire. 
115	Yet why do they delay? since long ago they ought after the Phrygian 
	custom to have removed with their knives the superfluous flesh.44 
	Gracchus gave four hundred sestertia as his dowry, with himself, 
	to a bugler, or else one that blew the straight trumpet.45 
	The marriage deeds were duly signed, the blessing invoked, 
120	a great dinner provided, the he-bride lay in the bridegroom’s arms. 
	O nobles! is it a censor we need, or an aruspex?46 
	You would without doubt be horrified, and deem it a prodigy of 
	portentous import, if a woman gave birth to a calf, or a cow to a lamb. 
	The same Gracchus puts on flounces, the long robe and flame-colored veil,47 
125	who, when bearing the sacred shields swinging with mysterious thong, 
	sweated beneath the Ancilia!48 Oh! father of our city! 
	whence came such heinous guilt to the shepherds of Latium? Whence, 
	O Gradivus,49 came this unnatural lust that has tainted thy race? 
	See! a man illustrious in birth and rank is made over to a man! 
130	Dost thou neither shake thy helmet, nor smite the earth with thy lance? 
	Dost thou not even appeal to thy father Jove? Begone then! and quit the acres 
	of the Campus50 once so severe, which thou ceasest to care for! “I have some 
	duty-work to perform to-morrow at break of day in the Quirinal valley.”51 
	What is the occasion? Why ask? my friend is going to be married; 
135	only a few are invited!” If we only live to see it, these things will be done 
	in the broad light of day, and claim to be registered in the public acts. 
	Meanwhile, there is one grievous source of pain that clings to these male-brides, 
	that they are incapable of bearing, and retaining their lords’ affections 
	by bringing them children. No! better is it that nature in this case gives 
140	their minds no power over their bodies! They must die barren! 
	Vain, in their case, is fat Lyde with her medicated box;52 
	vain the holding out their hands to the nimble Luperci.53 
	Yet even this prodigy of crime is surpassed by the trident of Gracchus in 
	his gladiator’s tunic, when in full flight he traverses the middle of the arena.54 
145	Gracchus! more nobly born than the Manlii, and Marcelli, 
	and Catulus’ and Paulus’ race, and the Fabii,55 and all the spectators 
	in the front row. Ay, even though you add to these the very 
	man himself, at whose expense he cast his net as Retiarius.56 
	
	That there are departed spirits, and realms beneath the earth--
150	that Charon’s57 pole exists, and the foul frogs in the Stygian whirlpool58--
	and that so many thousand souls cross its waters in a single bark, not even 
	boys believe, save those as yet too young to be charged for their bath. 
	But do thou believe them true! What does Curius feel, and the two Scipios, 
	what Fabricius and the shades of Camillus,59 what the legion cut off at Cremera, 
155	and the flower of Roman youth slaughtered at Cannae;60--so many martial 
	spirits--what do they feel when such a shade as this passes from us to them? 
	They would long to be cleansed from the pollution of the contact, could any sulphur 
	and pine-torches be supplied to them, or could there be a bay-tree to sprinkle them 
	with water. To such a pitch of degradation are we come! We have, indeed, 
160	advanced our arms beyond Juverna’s shore,61 and the Orcades62 recently 
	subdued, and the Britons content with night contracted to its briefest span. 
	But those abominations which are committed in the victorious people’s city 
	are unknown to those barbarians whom we have conquered. Yet there is 
	a story told of one, an Armenian Zalates, who, more effeminate than the rest 
165	of his young countrymen, is reported to have yielded to the tribune’s lust. 
	See the result of intercourse with Rome! He came a hostage! 
	Here they learn to be men! For if a longer tarry in the city 
	be granted to these youths, they will never lack a lover. 
	Their plaids, and knives, and bits, and whips, will soon be discarded. 
170	Thus it is the vices of our young nobles are aped even at Artaxata.63